"When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile."
"Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth."
"At my age flowers scare me."
"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house."
"By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it."
"Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up."
"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
"A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible."
"Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman— or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle."
"Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed."
"I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it."
"I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch."
"First of all you've got to have talent. And then you've got to marry her like I did."
"I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age."
"If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it."
"I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill."
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
"I smoke 10 to 15 cigars a day, at my age I have to hold on to something."
"I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now— I'm booked."
"I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the last one left."
"It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read."
"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples."
"This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two."
"Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere."
"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair."
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
"People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit."
"If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age."
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