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Andy Rooney

When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.

As an old reporter, we have a few secrets, and the first thing is we try the phone book.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.

If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.

It would be a better world if everyone in it knew all the truth about everything.

Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.

Nothing in fine print is ever good news.

Obscenities... I think a lot of dumb people do it because they can't think of what they want to say and they're frustrated. A lot of smart people do it to pretend they aren't very smart - want to be just one of the boys.

Taxes are important. President Bush's tax proposals leave no rich person behind. Voters approve of President Bush helping the kind of people they wish they were one of.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

The federal government has sponsored research that has produced a tomato that is perfect in every respect, except that you can't eat it. We should make every effort to make sure this disease, often referred to as 'progress', doesn't spread.

The world must be filled with unsuccessful musical careers like mine, and it's probably a good thing. We don't need a lot of bad musicians filling the air with unnecessary sounds. Some of the professionals are bad enough.

There are sixteen cans of coffee here; together they hold a total of thirteen and a half pounds of coffee. Doesn't that seem like cheating?

We're all proud of making little mistakes. It gives us the feeling we don't make any big ones.





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