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* - A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too. - Jake Johansen

* - A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh. --Conan O'Brien

* - A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad. --Christopher Case

* - Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. --Sue Murphy

* - I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast. - Johnathan Katz

* - I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. - Jeff Stilson

* - I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. - Elayne Boosler

* - I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not? If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' --Larry Miller

* - I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. - Douglas Adams

* - I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' --Richard Jeni

* - I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight. - Rita Rudner

* - I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. --Dennis Miller

* - If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me! - Bobcat Goldthwait

* - If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either. - Dick Cavett

* - In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? - Warren Hutcherson

* - Just when you think that you have been gypped, the Bearded Lady comes and does a double back-flip. - John Hiatt

* - My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' --Paula Poundstone

* - Now they show you how detergents take out blood stains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. - Jerry Seinfeld

* - Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girl friend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. - Bob Ettinger

* - Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live. --Dennis Miller

* - Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. - Paul Rodriguez

* - The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.' --Jerry Seinfeld

* - The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you. - Rita Mae Brown

* - When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family? - Robin Williams

* - Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. - Jerry Seinfeld

* - Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner .. - Lynda Montgomery

* - Writing is nature's way of letting you know how sloppy your thinking is. - Bob Mugele

* - If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

* - If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out? - Will Rogers (1879-1935)

* - If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.- Aristotle Onassis (1906-1975)

* - If you are going through hell, keep going.- Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

* - If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.- J. Paul Getty (1892-1976)

* - If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

* - If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.- Alice Roosevelt Longworth (1884-1980)

* - If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.- Carl Sagan

* - If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?- Seymour Cray (1925-1996), father of supercomputing

* - I'll moider da bum.- Heavyweight boxer Tony Galento, when asked what he thought of William Shakespeare

* - I'll sleep when I'm dead.- Warren Zevon (1947-2003)

* - I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.- Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

* - I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.- e e cummings (1894-1962)

* - I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!- Will Rogers (1879-1935)

* - I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.- Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961)

* - Imitation is the sincerest form of television.- Fred Allen (1894-1956)

* - In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.- Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965)

* - In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.- W.B. Prescott

* - In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.- Paul Dirac (1902-1984)

* - In the end, everything is a gag.- Charlie Chaplin (1889-1977)

* - In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.- Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968)

* - In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.- Jan L.A. van de Snepscheut

* - Interesting - I use a Mac to help me design the next Cray.- Seymoure Cray (1925-1996) when he was told that Apple Inc. had recently bought a Cray supercomputer to help them design the next Mac.

* - It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

* - It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.- Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527), The Prince

* - It is better to be quotable than to be honest.- Tom Stoppard

* - It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

* - It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.- George Bernard Shaw
(1856-1950)

* - It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.- G. B. Burgin

* - It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.- Richard J. Ferris, president of United Airlines

* - It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.- Professor Scott Elledge on his retirement from Cornell

* - It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.- Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)

* - It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

* - It's kind of fun to do the impossible.- Walt Disney (1901-1966)

* - It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.- Mark Twain (1835-1910)

* - I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.- Groucho Marx (1895-1977)

* - I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.- Irvin S. Cobb

* - Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.- Jimi Hendrix

* - Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.- Perelman

* - Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.- Isaac Asimov

* - Logic is in the eye of the logician.- Gloria Steinem

* - Love is friendship set on fire.- Jeremy Taylor

* - Luck is the residue of design.- Branch Rickey - former owner of the Brooklyn Dodger Baseball Team

* - Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

* - Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.- Oliver Herford (1863-1935)

* - Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.- Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915)

* - Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.- Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)

* - Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.- Abba Eban (1915-2002)

* - Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.- Epictetus (55-135 A.D.)

* - Men have become the tools of their tools.- Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

* - Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo. - H. G. Wells (1866-1946)

* - Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.- Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

* - Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.- Gioacchino Rossini (1792-1868)

* - My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.- Socrates (470-399 B.C.)

* - My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.- Unibomber Theodore Kaczynski, when asked in court what his current profession was

* - Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.- Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)

* - Never mistake motion for action.- Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961)

* - Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal.- Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910)

* - No one can earn a million dollars honestly.- William Jennings Bryan (1860-1925)

* - No Sane man will dance.- Cicero (106-43 B.C.)

* - Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

* - Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.- Woody Allen (1935-)

* - Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.- Ross MacDonald (1915-1983)

* - Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.- Voltaire (1694-1778) on his deathbed in response to a priest asking that he renounce Satan.

* - Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.- Henry Ford (1863-1947)

* - Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.- Auric Goldfinger, in Goldfinger by Ian L. Fleming (1908-1964)

* - Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.- Sherlock Holmes (by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, 1859-1930)

* - One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.- Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

* - Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

* - Opportunities multiply as they are seized.- Sun Tzu

* - People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.- Soren Aabye Kierkegaard (1813-1855)

* - Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.- Antoine de Saint Exupery

* - Plato was a bore.- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

* - Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

* - Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

* - Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.- Wernher Von Braun (1912-1977)

* - Sanity is a madness put to good uses.- George Santayana (1863-1952)

* - Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.- Carl Gustav Jung (1875-1961)

* - Silence is argument carried out by other means.- Ernesto Che Guevara (1928-1967)

* - Sleep is an excellent way of listening to an opera.- James Stephens (1882-1950)

* - Some cause happiness wherever they
go; others, whenever they go.- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

* - Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.- T. S. Eliot (1888-1965)

* - Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

* - Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.- Guy Davenport

* - Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it- Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

* - Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.- Edward George Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873)

* - Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.- Moses Hadas (1900-1966)

* - The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.- Emile Zola (1840-1902)

* - The average person thinks he isn't.- Father Larry Lorenzoni

* - The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.- Von Clausewitz (1780-1831)

* - The best way to predict the future is to invent it.- Alan Kay

* - The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.- A Yale University management professor in response to student Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

* - The covers of this book are too far apart.- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

* - The cynics are right nine times out of ten.- Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)

* - The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.- Tom Clancy

* - The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.- unknown

* - The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.- Gloria Leonard

* - The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.- definition of happiness by John F. Kennedy (1917-1963)

* - The gods too are fond of a joke.- Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)

* - The graveyards are full of indispensable men.- Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970)

* - The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.- Jean Cocteau (1889-1963)

* - The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

* - The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.- Mark Twain (1835-1910)

* - The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.- Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

* - The mistakes are all waiting to be made.- chess master Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower (1887-1956) on the game's opening position

* - The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it's their fault.- Henry Kissinger (1923-)

* - The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.- Lucille S. Harper

* - The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.- General George Patton (1885-1945)

* - The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.- Salvador Dali (1904-1989)

* - The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.- Edmund Burke (1729-1797)

* - The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

* - The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.- Niels Bohr (1885-1962)

* - The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.- James Branch Cabell

* - The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.- George Bernard Shaw
(1856-1950)

* - The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live

* - The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.- Oliver Wendell Holmes (1841-1935)

* - The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.- Aristotle Onassis (1906-1975)

* - The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

* - The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.- Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)

* - The truth is more important than the facts.- Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

* - There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

* - There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

* - There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.- Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)

* - There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

* - There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.- C. A. R. Hoare

* - There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.- Sigfried Hulzer

* - There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.- Frank Zappa

* - There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

* - There is no sincerer love than the love of food.- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

* - There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.- Bill Wulf

* - There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.- Flannery O'Connor (1925-1964)

* - This book fills a much-needed gap.- Moses Hadas (1900-1966) in a review

* - This isn't right, this isn't even wrong.- Wolfgang Pauli (1900-1958), upon reading a young physicist's paper

* - Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.- Jean-Paul Sartre (1905-1980)

* - To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

* - To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.- Charles William Stubbs

* - Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.- Igor Stravinsky (1882-1971)

* - Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.- Mel Brooks

* - University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.- Henry Kissinger (1923-)

* - Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.- Chess master Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower (1887-1956)

* - Vote early and vote often.- Al Capone (1899-1947)

* - Wagner's music is better than it sounds.- Mark Twain (1835-1910)

* - We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?- Niels Bohr (1885-1962)

* - We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.- General Douglas MacArthur (1880-1964)

* - We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.- Vince Lombardi

* - We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962

* - We have art to save ourselves from the truth.- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

* - Well done is better than well said.- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

* - Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.- Martin Fraquhar Tupper

* - We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

* - What about things like bullets?- Herb Kimmel, Behavioralist, Professor of Psychology, upon hearing the above quote (1981)

* - What do you take me for, an idiot?- General Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970), when a journalist asked him if he was happy

* - Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

* - When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.- Mae West (1892-1980)

* - When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.- Buckminster Fuller (1895-1983)

* - When ideas fail, words come in very handy.- Goethe (1749-1832)

* - When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.- George Washington Carver (1864-1943)

* - When you gaze long into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you.- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

* - When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.- Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

* - Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

* - Where are we going, and why am I in this hand basket?- Bumper Sticker

* - Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.- Henry Ford (1863-1947)

* - While we are postponing, life speeds by.- Seneca (3BC - 65AD)

* - Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?- H. M. Warner (1881-1958), founder of Warner Brothers, in 1927

* - Why don't you write books people can read?- Nora Joyce to her husband James (1882-1941)

* - Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.- Samuel Palmer (1805-80)

* - Wit is educated insolence.- Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)

* - Woman was God's second mistake.- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

* - You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.- Al Capone (1899-1947)

* - You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.- Gilbert Keith Chesterton (1874-1936)

* - You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.- Sacra Guidry (1885-1957)

* - You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.- Yogi Berea

* - Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.- Pierre Lap lace (1749-1827), to Napoleon on why his works on celestial mechanics make no mention of God. 




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