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* - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

* - If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

* - If you haven't much education you must use your brain.

* - If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

* - If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

* - It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

* - It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

* - Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.

* - Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

* - Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

* - Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.

* - Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

* - Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

* - Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

* - No one is listening until you make a mistake.

* - Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

* - Remember half the people you know are below average.

* - Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

* - Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

* - Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.

* - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

* - The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

* - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

* - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

* - The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

* - There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

* - If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. 




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