» HOME » CROSSKIT.COM » Jokes / One Liners

CrossKit.com : Jokes/One Liners

Category: Comedians/People
Reader Rating: 0.00
Contributor: admin
Views: 865

Rate This Item





Will Rogers - 2

A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries.

A fool and his money are soon elected.

A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.

A man only learns in two ways, one by reading, and the other by association with smarter people.

A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth.

About all I can say for the United States Senate is that it opens with a prayer and closes with an investigation.

Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.

Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing, and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.

All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.

America is a nation that conceives many odd inventions for getting somewhere but it can think of nothing to do once it gets there.

America is becoming so educated that ignorance will be a novelty. I will belong to the select few.

An economist's guess is liable to be as good as anybody else's.

An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out.

An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate, now what's going to happen to us with both a House and a Senate?

Anything important is never left to the vote of the people. We only get to vote on some man; we never get to vote on what he is to do.

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.

Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth.
Buy land. They ain't making any more of the stuff.

Chaotic action is preferable to orderly inaction.

Communism to me is one-third practice and two-thirds explanation.

Democrats never agree on anything, that's why they're Democrats. If they agreed with each other, they would be Republicans.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.

Diplomats are just as essential to starting a war as soldiers are for finishing it... You take diplomacy out of war, and the thing would fall flat in a week.

Do the best you can, and don't take life too serious.

Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.

Don't let yesterday use up too much of today.

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Even though you are on the right track - you will get run over if you just sit there.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.

Get someone else to blow your horn and the sound will carry twice as far.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.

I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him "father."

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.

I have a scheme for stopping war. It's this - no nation is allowed to enter a war till they have paid for the last one.

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.

I read about eight newspapers in a day. When I'm in a town with only one newspaper, I read it eight times.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.

If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do on advertising then they wouldn't have to advertise them.

If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

If the other fellow sells cheaper than you, it is called dumping. 'Course, if you sell cheaper than him, that's mass production.

If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later.

If you can build a business up big enough, it's respectable.

If you ever injected truth into politics you have no politics.

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.

If you want to be successful, it's just this simple. Know what you are doing. Love what you are doing. And believe in what you are doing.

In Hollywood the woods are full of people that learned to write but evidently can't read. If they could read their stuff, they'd stop writing.

In Hollywood you can see things at night that are fast enough to be in the Olympics in the day time.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.

Email this item to a friend

Your email address:
Your friends address:
Recieve updates in your email.    









Submit Your Site To The Web's Top 50 Search Engines for Free!