Will Rogers - 1
It isn't what we don't know that gives us trouble, it's what we know that ain't so.
It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.
It's not what you pay a man, but what he costs you that counts.
Last year we said, 'Things can't go on like this', and they didn't, they got worse.
Let advertisers spend the same amount of money improving their product that they do on advertising and they wouldn't have to advertise it.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
Liberty doesn't work as well in practice as it does in speeches.
Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.
Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.
Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.
Never let yesterday use up too much of today.
Now if there is one thing that we do worse than any other nation, it is try and manage somebody else's affairs.
Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven't had one since Taft. Look at the United States, they have not had one since Lincoln.
On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.
One Ad is worth more to a paper than forty Editorials.
One-third of the people in the United States promote, while the other two-thirds provide.
Our constitution protects aliens, drunks and U.S. Senators.
People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide.
People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.
People's minds are changed through observation and not through argument.
Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated.
Politics is applesauce.
Prohibition is better than no liquor at all.
So let's be honest with ourselves and not take ourselves too serious, and never condemn the other fellow for doing what we are doing every day, only in a different way.
So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week.
The 1928 Republican Convention opened with a prayer. If the Lord can see His way clear to bless the Republican Party the way it's been carrying on, then the rest of us ought to get it without even asking.
The best way out of a difficulty is through it.
The difference between a Republican and a Democrat is the Democrat is a cannibal they have to live off each other, while the Republicans, why, they live off the Democrats.
The farmer has to be an optimist or he wouldn't still be a farmer.
The fellow that can only see a week ahead is always the popular fellow, for he is looking with the crowd. But the one that can see years ahead, he has a telescope but he can't make anybody believe that he has it.
The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.
The man with the best job in the country is the vice-president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, "How is the president?"
The more that learn to read the less learn how to make a living. That's one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know the more you think somebody owes you a living.
The more you observe politics, the more you've got to admit that each party is worse than the other.
The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself.
The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets.
The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.
The only way you can beat the lawyers is to die with nothing.
The schools ain't what they used to be and never was.
The time to save is now. When a dog gets a bone, he doesn't go out and make a down payment on a bigger bone. He buries the one he's got.
The United States never lost a war or won a conference.
The worst thing that happens to you may be the best thing for you if you don't let it get the best of you.
There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
There is no more independence in politics than there is in jail.
There is nothing so stupid as the educated man if you get him off the thing he was educated in.
There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
There's only one thing that can kill the movies, and that's education.
Things ain't what they used to be and never were.
Things in our country run in spite of government, not by aid of it.
This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.
This thing of being a hero, about the main thing to it is to know when to die.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
We can't all be heroes, because somebody has to sit on the curb and applaud when they go by.
We don't seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business?
We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others.
What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.
When ignorance gets started it knows no bounds.
When should a college athlete turn pro? Not until he has earned all he can in college as an amateur.
When the Oakies left Oklahoma and moved to California, it raised the I.Q. of both states.
When you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave out the bad ones you did do well, that's Memoirs.
Why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.
Worrying is like paying on a debt that may never come due.
You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you in a new way.
You've got to go out on a limb sometimes because that's where the fruit is.