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Bob Hope

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

Middle Age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.

I thought 'Deep Throat' was a movie about a giraffe.

I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

I love to go to Washington, if only to be nearer my money.

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.

Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series.

When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance -waiting for the bathroom.

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.

I must say the Senator's victory in Wisconsin was a triumph for democracy. It proves that a millionaire has just as good a chance as anyone else.

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.

Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.

Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.

My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

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