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One Liners - Part 2

* - A CLEAR CONSCIENCE IS USUALLY A SIGN OF A BAD MEMORY!

* - IF YOU MUST BORROW MONEY, BORROW IT FROM A PESSIMIST -- THEY DON'T EXPECT IT BACK!

* - THE ONLY PERFECT SCIENCE IS HINDSIGHT.* - EVERYONE HAS A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY. IT'S JUST THAT SOME DON'T HAVE ANY FILM!

* - A PROCRASTINATOR'S WORK IS NEVER DONE.

* - A PENNY SAVED IS A CONGRESSIONAL OVERSIGHT.

* - DESPITE THE HIGH COST OF LIVING, IT REMAINS POPULAR.

* - HE WHO SMILES IN A CRISIS HAS FOUND SOMEONE TO BLAME.

* - I LIKE KIDS, BUT I DON'T THINK I COULD EAT A WHOLE ONE.

* - EVEN CRIME WOULDN'T PAY IF THE GOVERNMENT RAN IT.

* - ACTUAL HEADLINE : TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS

* - ALWAYS TRY TO BE MODEST, AND BE PROUD OF IT!

* - ACTUAL HEADLINE : JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT

* - ALWAYS REMEMBER, YOU'RE UNIQUE, JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!

* - BEFORE YOU CRITICIZE SOMEONE, YOU SHOULD WALK A MILE IN THEIR SHOES. THAT WAY, WHEN YOU CRITICIZE THEM YOU ARE A MILE AWAY AND YOU HAVE THEIR SHOES!

* - HIRE TEENAGERS WHILE THEY KNOW EVERYTHING!!

* - EXPERIENCE IS SOMETHING YOU DON'T GET UNTIL JUST AFTER YOU NEEDED IT!

* - GIVE A MAN A FISH AND HE WILL EAT FOR A DAY. TEACH HIM HOW TO FISH AND HE WILL SIT IN BOAT AND DRINK BEER ALL DAY!

* - THE EARLY BIRD MAY GET THE WORM, BUT THE SECOND MOUSE GETS THE CHEESE!

* - WHAT DO ADVERTISEMENTS MEAN WHEN THEY SAY FREE GIFT? AREN'T ALL GIFTS FREE?

* - TIME IS THE BEST TEACHER. HOWEVER, IT KILLS ALL OF ITS STUDENTS!

* - THE EASIEST WAY TO DOUBLE YOUR MONEY IS TO FOLD IT IN HALF AND STICK IT BACK IN YOUR POCKET!

* - TO ERR IS HUMAN, BUT TO REALLY SCREW UP YOU NEED A COMPUTER!

* - NEVER ASK BARBER IF HE THINKS YOU NEED A HAIRCUT!

* - NEVER DO CARD TRICKS FOR THE PEOPLE YOU PLAY POKER WITH!

* - MAKE IT IDIOT PROOF AND SOMEONE WILL MAKE A BETTER IDIOT!

* - 99 PERCENT OF LAWYERS GIVE THE REST A BAD NAME.

* - A BARTENDER IS JUST A PHARMACIST WITH A LIMITED INVENTORY.

* - ANYTHING WORTH TAKING SERIOUSLY IS WORTH MAKING FUN OF.

* - BETTER TO UNDERSTAND A LITTLE THAN TO MISUNDERSTAND A LOT.

* - BILLS TRAVEL THROUGH THE MAIL AT TWICE THE SPEED OF CHECKS.

* - CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, EXCEPT FROM A VENDING MACHINE.

* - CONSCIOUSNESS: THAT ANNOYING TIME BETWEEN NAPS.

* - CORDUROY PILLOWS: THEY'RE MAKING HEADLINES!

* - DON'T BE IRREPLACEABLE; IF YOU CAN'T BE REPLACED, YOU CAN'T BE PROMOTED.

* - DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE. YOU MIGHT HIT A BUMP AND SPILL YOUR DRINK.

* - EAGLES MAY SOAR, BUT WEASELS DON'T GET SUCKED INTO JET ENGINES.

* - FEW WOMEN ADMIT THEIR AGE. FEW MEN ACT THEIRS.

* - FOR EVERY ACTION THERE IS AN EQUAL AND OPPOSITE CRITICISM.

* - FRIENDS MAY COME AND GO, BUT ENEMIES TEND TO ACCUMULATE.

* - HE WHO LAUGHS LAST THINKS SLOWEST.

* - HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET.

* - HOW DOES TEFLON STICK TO THE PAN?

* - HOW MANY OF YOU BELIEVE IN TELEKINESIS? RAISE MY HAND.

* - I DIDN'T SAY IT WAS YOUR FAULT. I SAID I WAS GOING TO BLAME YOU.

* - I GET ENOUGH EXERCISE JUST PUSHING MY LUCK.

* - I TRIED SNIFFING COKE ONCE, BUT THE ICE CUBES GOT STUCK IN MY NOSE.

* - I USED TO HAVE A HANDLE ON LIFE, AND THEN IT BROKE.

* - I USED TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND BUT MY BRAINS KEPT FALLING OUT.