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Actual Excerpts from Student Science Exam Papers

* Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.

* Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.

* The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.

* Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.

* The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.

* To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.

* The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.

* A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

* The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.

* The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.

* To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

* Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.

* Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.

* Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.

* A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.

* The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

* The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.

* Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

* We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.

* English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.

* By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.

* If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.

* Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

* Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.

* A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

* A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.

* Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

* A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.

* The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.

* When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.

* It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.

* Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.

* For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.

* For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.

* For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

* For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.

* To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

* For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

* For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

* Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

* Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.

* When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.

* When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.