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One Liners - Part 1

* - It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

* - It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

* - Never miss a good chance to shut up.

* - Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

* - Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

* - The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

* - The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

* - The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

* - Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.

* - Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

* - Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

* - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

* - To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

* - Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

* - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

* - Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

* - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

* - Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

* - Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

* - You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.

* - You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.

* - You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

* - A best friend is someone who knows everything about you, but likes you just the same.

* - An old man told me the secret of living to be one hundred. Get past fifty and hope that God rounds off.

* - As a worker, he doesn't let his job take up too much of his time.

* - For most men there are three ages of hair: parted, unparted and departed.

* - He has no respect for age, unless it's bottled.

* - He thinks he has the body of a 16 year old...He better give it back, because he's wrinkling it.

* - He's at a difficult age; too old to work and too poor to retire.

* - He's so tall...No matter how little money he has, he never ends up short.

* - No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody who knew it would.

* - Some girls don't just choose a boyfriend...they pick him-to pieces.

* - Tall people always look down on short people. Short people always look up to tall people.

* - The only vise he can still handle is on his workshop bench.

* - When it comes to hard work, some people will stop at nothing.

* - Who says nothing is impossible...my uncle has been doing nothing for years.

* - Work fascinates my brother-in-lawhe can sit and watch for hours.