Jokes & Information

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Classic Insults

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. - Winston Churchill

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. - Clarence Darrow

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. - Groucho Marx

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. - Mark Twain

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends. - Oscar Wilde

I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one. - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one. - Winston Churchill's response to George Bernard Shaw

I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here. - Stephen Bishop

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial. - Irvin S. Cobb

He had delusions of adequacy. - Walter Kerr

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. - Mae West

Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee! - Lady Astor to Winston Churchill at a dinner party

Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it! - Winston Churchill's response to Lady Astor

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it. - Moses Hadas

There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure. - Jack E. Leonard

He has the attention span of a lightning bolt. - Robert Redford

He has Van Gogh's ear for music. - Billy Wilder

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. - Oscar Wilde

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?- Milton Berle

Some people stay longer in an hour than others can in a week. - William Dean Howells

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. - Groucho Marx

They don't hardly make 'em like him any more - but just to be on the safe side, he should be castrated anyway. - Hunter S. Thompson

You're a good example of why some animals eat their young. - Jim Samuels

I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you came along. - Groucho Marx

I thought men like that shot themselves. - King George V

I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest. - Steven Pearl

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you. - Groucho Marx

You were born with your legs apart. They'll send you to the grave in a Y-shaped coffin. - Joe Orton

There goes the famous "good time that was had by all". - Bette Davis

She's been on more laps than a napkin. - Walter Winchell

So boring you fall asleep halfway through her name. - Alan Bennet