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Legal One-Liners

Did you hear about the terrorist who hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

Any time a lawyer is seen and not heard, it's a shame to wake him.

If you can't find a lawyer who knows the law, find one who knows the judge.

Animals aren't as stupid as people think: after all, they don't have any lawyers.

A lawyer is an expert on justice in the same way a prostitute is an expert on love.

A man who dies without a will has lawyers for heirs.

Between grand theft and a legal fee, There only stands a law degree.

The defendant who pleads their own case may have a fool for a client, but at least there's no problem with fee-splitting.

"He who has said that 'talk is cheap', has never hired a lawyer."

There are two kinds of lawyers: Those that know the law and those that know the judge.

Criminal Lawyer's Creed: A man is innocent until proven bankrupt.

In this recession, times are tough everywhere, but in Chicago things are so bad that the Mafia had to lay off seven judges.

The reason law schools have been described as "a place for the accumulation of learning" is that first-year students bring some in, third-year students take none out--and so knowledge accumulates.

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called Sosumi."

Jury(n): a collection of people assembled for the purpose of deciding who hired the better lawyer.

Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their profession. No one would build a robot to do nothing.

Changing lawyers is like changing decks on the Titanic.

There are two kinds of lawyers -- those who know the law and those who know the judge.

Arguing with a lawyer is like mud wrestling with a pig: after a while you realize that the pig is at home in the mud.

Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as efficient and half as expensive every 18 months.

"Everybody in my family follows the medical profession. They're all lawyers."

The trouble with the legal profession is that 98% of its members give the rest a bad name.

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer walking down the street with his hands in his own pockets.

Four out of five doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted island with no lawyers, they wouldn't need any Tylenol.

A town too small to support one lawyer can always support two.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

One juror overheard saying to another..."You'll notice that neither the prosecutor or defense attorney swore to tell the truth!"

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