Stephen Wright One-liners
* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
* Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding
* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
* Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
* I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
* I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
* I intend to live forever - so far, so good
* I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
* If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
* Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
* Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
* Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
* Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
* Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
* The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
* Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
* If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
* 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
* If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
* Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
* Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
* When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
* Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
* Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
* If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
* Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
* Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
* I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
* I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
* I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
* Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
* How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
* Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
* Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
* Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
* For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
* OK, so what's the speed of dark?
* Black holes are where God divided by zero.
* All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
* I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.