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Stephen Wright One-liners

* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

* Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding

* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

* Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

* I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

* I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

* I intend to live forever - so far, so good

* I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

* If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

* Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

* Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

* Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

* Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

* Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

* The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

* Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

* Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

* If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...

* 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

* If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

* Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

* Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

* When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

* Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

* Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

* If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

* Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

* Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

* I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

* I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

* I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

* Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

* How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

* Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

* Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

* Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

* For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

* OK, so what's the speed of dark?

* Black holes are where God divided by zero.

* All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

* I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

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