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Marriage Quotes

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet. - Mae West

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. - Helen Rowland

I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic. - Anonymous

My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes. - Anonymous

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? - George Carlin

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too. - H. L. Mencken

I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell this to my children they just about throw up. - Barbara Bush

Don't marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper. - Scotts Proverb

Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything in the house. - Jean Kerr

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. - Rita Rudner

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. - Rita Rudner

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards. - Benjamin Franklin

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren't. - Sacha Guitry

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam. - Johnny Carson

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. - Anonymous

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner

My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact. - Roseanne Barr

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues. - Helen Rowland

Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable? - Carrie Snow

The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after. Forty is when you watch the TV during. Sixty is when you watch the TV instead. - Anonymous

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. - Mickey Rooney

Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third. - Woody Allen

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me. - Rodney Dangerfield

Why can't women tell jokes? Because we marry them! - Kathy Lette

Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of. - Kathy Lette

Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series. - Bob Hope

Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives. - George Burns

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house. - George Burns

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is. - Milton Berle

A man's wife has more power over him than the state has. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Saw a wedding in the church. It was strange to see what delight we married people have to see these poor fools decoyed into our condition, every man and wife gazing and smiling at them. - Samuel Pepys

If Marilyn is in love with my husband it proves she has good taste, for I am in love with him too. - Simone Signoret

If I get married, I want to be very married. - Audrey Hepburn

Any young man who is unmarried at the age of twenty one is a menace to the community. - Brigham Young

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. - Henny Youngman

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me! - Henny Youngman

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food..... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. - Henny Youngman

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. - Henny Youngman

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried. - Henny Youngman

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. - Henny Youngman

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. - Henny Youngman

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. - Joey Adams

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. - Joey Adams

Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway. - Joey Adams

The Equal Rights Amendment would "turn holy wedlock into holy deadlock." - William Rehnquist

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim Backus

When my husband comes home, if the kids are still alive, I figure I've done my job. - Roseanne Barr

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside. - Roseanne Barr

Cherie has many excellent qualities, but once she goes to sleep, it takes a minor nuclear explosion to wake her up. - Tony Blair

Lust is the sin that gets me excited. Luckily, because I'm married, I also get really good jewelry out of it. - Heather Locklear

For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. - Catherine Zeta-Jones

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me. - Elayne Boosler

A man doesn't know what hapiness is until he's married. By then it's too late. -- (The Joker is Wild, 1957) - Frank Sinatra

Tomorrow, Trubshawe, I am going to get married again, thereby quite possibly making the greatest mistake of my life. - David Niven

It is now well known, however, that men enter local politics solely as a result of being unhappily married. - C. Northcote Parkinson

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - George Burns

There once was an old man of Lyme who married three wives at a time when asked, 'Why a third?' he replied 'One's absurd! and bigamy, sir, is a crime!' - William Cosmo Monkhouse

One's fantasy goes for a walk and returns with a bride. - Bernard Malamud

I'm a serial bigamist. - Russ Meyer

If a man works like a horse for his money, there are a lot of girls anxious to take him down the bridal path. - Marty Allen

Neither of us entered marriage thinking it wouldn't be a strain. Life has strains in it, and he's the person I want to strain with. - Patricia Arquette

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night. - Marie Corelli

Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage. - William Shakespeare

Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers. - Alan King

I don't know if it's good for baseball, but it sure beats the hell out of rooming with Phil Rizzuto! (on the marriage of Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe) - Yogi Berra

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing-and then marry him. - Cher

You have no idea of the women I didn't marry. - Artie Shaw

They weren't really weddings, just long costume parties. (on three of her weddings) - Peggy Lee

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. - Anne Bancroft

I never mind my wife having the last word. In fact, I'm delighted when she gets to it. - Walter Matthau

Mom and Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen, she was sixteen, and I was three. - Billie Holiday

Everyone knows that a man can always marry even if he reaches 102, is penniless, and has all his faculties gone. There is always some woman willing to take a chance on him. - Amy Vanderbilt

If love means never having to say you're sorry, then marriage means always having to say everything twice. - Estelle Getty

I have trouble saying hu ... hu ... husband. - Rosanna Arquette

There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded. - Diana Princess of Wales

The only time some fellows are seen with their wives is after they're indicted. - Kin Hubbard

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much. - Bob Monkhouse

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest. - Bob Monkhous

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. - Woody Allen

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. - Woody Allen

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. - Woody Allen

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never. - Jack Benny

One man's folly is another man's wife. - Helen Rowland

There is a vast difference between the savage and the civilized man, but it is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast. - Helen Rowland

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you. - Helen Rowland

Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near. - Helen Rowland

He was happily married - but his wife wasn't - Victor Borge

An affair now and then is good for a marriage. It adds spice, stops it from getting boring... I ought to know. - Bette Davis

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did. - Bette Davis

A married couple are well suited when both partners usually feel the need for a quarrel at the same time. - Jean Rostand

Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash. - Dr. Joyce Brothers

Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. - Irwin Corey