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Little Know Axioms

* I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

* Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

* I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

* Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

* The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

* Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

* If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

* We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

* War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

* Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

* The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

* Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

* How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

* Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

* I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

* A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

* Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

* I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

* I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

* Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

* Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

* Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

* Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

* The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

* Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

* A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

* Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

* Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

* I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

* Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

* There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.