Stocks and Bonds
A Long Term Investment Is......
* The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.
* What's the difference between buying a lottery ticket and buying a penny stock? In the first case, you help finance your local community swimming pool. In the second case, you help finance the stock promoters home pool.
* My broker and I are working on a retirement plan. Unfortunately, it's his!
* A long term investment is a short term investment that failed.
* A stockbroker is someone who invests your money till it's all gone!
* It was so cold today I saw a stockbroker with his hands in his own pockets.
* A market analyst is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today!
* I'm thinking of leaving my husband, complained the broker's wife. "All he ever does is stand at the end of the bed and tell me how good things are going to be."
* Momentum Investing: The fine art of buying high and selling low.
* Value Investing: The art of buying low and selling lower.
* Q: Why did God create stock analysts ?
A: In order to make weather forecasters look good.
* Broker: A man on the right end of a telephone.
********** Yesterday's Stock Market Report**********
* Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
* Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.
* Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.
* Hiking equipment was trailing.
* Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
* Weights were up in heavy trading.
* Light switches were off.
* Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
* Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
* The market for raisins dried up.
* Coca Cola fizzled.
* Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
* Sun peaked at midday.
* Balloon prices were inflated.
* And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
* And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market...